What To Say To Your Loved One
Talking with your loved one about the need for them to change their living situation can be difficult. Each person is unique and their personality type should be taken into consideration. Here are a few questions to ask yourself about your loved one and examples of what to to say to each personality type.
1. Are they direct and to the point with you. Always in control? - “Dad, we know that you love it here at home and you’ve done really well for a long time, but we feel it’s time that we look at some other living options for you. The doctors have said you can no longer live alone. We know you don’t want to move, but it’s no longer an option. You need more help and we want you to have some control over where you live. Let’s get educated about what’s available and make an informed decision.”
2. Are they boisterous or the life of the party, social and involved? (or like that in the past) - ”Mom, we heard about this place the other day that has bingo, lunch clubs, Euchre nights and lots of people. You’ve talked about how lonely you’ve been lately and we just are unable to be here very much. I’d like for us to go and visit a couple of assisted living homes and meet some of the people who live there. We can even go and have lunch and check the place out. We want you to be safe, cared for and have some fun. You deserve more and we want you to have it.”
3. Do they need quite a bit of information to make a decision or don’t like change? - “Grandma, the doctors have told me that they’re concerned about you living alone. You’ve been falling and not eating very well. They mentioned assisted living to us and that we should look into that option. We don’t have to make any decisions right now, but let’s go and at least look at them. Let’s see what they’re like and how much they cost.”
4. Are they concerned about being a burden or hesitant to express their opinion or wants? - “Uncle Tom, we love coming over here to visit with you and have dinners together, but we’re concerned that you need more help than we can give you. We know you don’t want to burden anyone, so you’re not telling us everything you’ve been going through. You neighbors have noticed that you don’t come out of the house much anymore and they’re worried about you. Maybe it’s time we look into some other housing options for you where there are people to help you anytime you need it.”
What Do I Do Next?
After you have spoken to your loved one, make an appointment within the week if possible to speak with someone about the different housing options in your area. If your loved one does not want to go with you, still keep the appointment. You’ll need the support to get through this difficult time. Also, your loved one will see that you are serious and not backing down. There are times that the family would like to have information first before they talk to their loved one. That’s not a problem, and is necessary at times.
An individual usually moves within one to two weeks of visiting the different homes. This seems impulsive, however, there are reasons for this. If a person has any short term memory loss, they may not remember visiting or even talking about moving. Each time a move is talked about there is anxiety for your loved one. Also, if a place you like is available, it’s better to take it then and not lose it. Waiting too long after visiting the homes will make the move even more difficult later.
It’s very important to stay positive, reassuring and committed about the move. Acceptance happens at different times for each person. Your loved one may accept the move immediately, or it may not happen until they have time to adjust days or weeks after the move. We all hope for a quick acceptance. Be patient – it will happen.
What If Mom or Dad Argue With Me Or Still Refuse?
Remember - this is a process. You can’t expect everything to go smoothly when talking with them. There are times when it takes a while to get them to agree. Try not to argue. If you find yourself becoming angry, stop and try again another day. It’s always good to say, “Let’s just see what these places are like”. They will be curious and after visiting they’re often pleasantly surprised. There are times when cognitive impairments can prevent you from logically discussing a move with your loved one. It’s good to have them visit the homes to see how they respond or interact when visiting. However, they may be unable to make a decision. It then becomes the family’s decision. Remember, placement into a home should be within one to two weeks. Your loved one may never by ready to move even when it’s absolutely necessary. The only thing you can do at that time is engage in some “tough love’ or contact the local courts to petition for guardianship.
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